Monday, April 02, 2007

David A Bednar Picked A Peck Of Pickled Peep Stones..David A. Bednar's "PARABLE OF THE PICKLE." It's Touching And Guaranteed To Make Your Bosom Burn!!

(***Update***-As most of you know, my journey to the "REAL TRUTH", began after reading an article in the Salt Lake City Weekly(called Whitewash), with the help of fired BYU Professor Darron Smith, that exposed the racism of Mormonism, specifically Brigham Young. Now, thanks to the reference and comment today from Demon of Kolob(Kent), I can refer everyone to yet another great article in The Salt Lake City Weekly, that exposes all the details of the true Mormon "Pickle Conspiracy"...LOL!!

The contents are truly shocking, so I strongly caution everyone!! Thank you Bednar A. Picklehead for finally revealing to the world, the secret but precious and touching "parable of the pickle." I'm sure that countless souls all around the world have been deeply touched(after being dipped in Mormon blessed and consecrated Salt brine of course), with salty tears streaming down their faces. Stealing a line from the article, I think it's safe to say that now everyone has the right and duty, when they meet Bednar in person, to ask the question “Are you glad to see me, or is that a pickle in your pocket?”

From one pickle to another, this classic General Conference moment was truly crunchy and Vlastastic.***)

Well, it was close folks, but after an initial and preliminary count, it looks like pickle is the big winner, by a nose, just edging out cucumber 16-14, in the amount of times David A. Bednar used both words in his latest talk that he called "The Parable Of The Pickle." It appears that Cucumber has asked for a re-count and is pretty pissed off about the whole situation. How old is David A. Bednar anyways...like 5? How old does he think we are, like 2?

This had to be the dumbest, stupidest talk I've ever heard in a General Conference and Bednar thought he was some freaking, clever genius of some sort or even better, Jesus Christ reincarnated in 2007, speaking to all of us in "parables", because we are all too dumb to understand his words straight up. Yes, thank the Mormon God for the "parable of the pickle", or none of us would have had a clue what the guy was even talking about...LOL!! This talk is another instant classic.

I mean come on Bednar, "The Parable Of The Pickle?" Are you shitting me?!! The best part was when he asked at the beginning that the spirit of God be with him and us, as he spoke about "PICKLES and CUCUMBERS?" LOL!!I was actually doing quite well watching all the conference talks and actually staying awake, even with their hypnotic, rehearsed, monotone voices, until Bednar said PICKLE for the 10th time. That was when I passed out from grief and didn't wake up for like 2 hours, as I dreamed all about PICKLES...LOL!! I actually thought Bednar had become one and was an actual PICKLE, thus the inspiration for the above picture.

I mean has it really come down to this; speaking about pickles and cucumbers and comparing what they go through in their spiritual and temporal life, to human beings and what we must go through in the Mormon Church. So basically, all members start out as cucumbers and then are cleansed, soaked in a salty solution and turned into cleansed pickles?

My most famous post regarding Bednar, which ranks very high on Google searches, called him "The Kiss ASS Of The Century", which was even found to be too offensive for the angry Mormon Curtain and a post that was subsequently removed; which led me to ask for all of my posts to be removed since there is far worse all over the place over there and it was hypocritical and just a personal dislike and disdain for me, which I wasn't aware even existed.

I was just simply speaking the truth as I always do, with lots of passion and facts, which some just can't handle. Apparently my blog and Dr. Shades Mormon Discussion board, are about the only places I've found on the entire Internet, where I won't be censored or have my comments deleted. At least I have somewhere to freely express myself.

So now, I will become even more offensive, piss off even more people and officially call Bednar the "dumbass of the century" or the "picklehead of the century" and yes, most likely the future Mormon Prophet, if he can just out live all of the other old farts/frauds. Yeah, I know, many of you will probably be highly offended again, that I would dare speak this way about a "holy Apostle of God", in such a disrespectful way, but hey, it's my opinion and I'm sticking to it, with no apologies.

The Guy is an idiot, arrogant, condescending and acts holier than thou in every speech he gives. He gives every talk, as if he's preparing for his future Prophet-hood, building his legacy and he's a pompous ass, plain and simple.

Did anyone else notice that when he first told everyone that he was going to be talking about how a cucumber becomes a pickle, that people actually laughed their "polite Mormon laughter", because they thought the dumbass was just joking and trying to be funny? Sadly, I guess the joke was on them, as he was deadly serious about talking about cucumbers and pickles and went on to mention the words a combined 30 times...wow, what inspiration!!

I'll end with this bit of inspiration, directly from Satan himself(after I punched his time clock of course), that came to me in a miraculous vision:

David Bednar picked a peck of pickled peep stones; A peck of pickled peep stones David Bednar picked; If David Bednar picked a peck of pickled peep stones,where's the peck of pickled peep stones David Bednar picked?

That is the real question my friends and if anyone of you TBMS out there knows the answer, please let us all know, as we'll be anxiously awaiting...LOL!!

LONG LIVE "THE PARABLE OF THE PICKLE!!"

Samuel the Utahnite

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8 Comments:

At Tuesday, April 03, 2007 4:57:00 PM, Blogger Misfit Marie said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At Tuesday, April 03, 2007 9:30:00 PM, Blogger Bonnie said...

I loved this post. I never listen to the conference talks they give twice a year. When I was LDS I didn't either because they were so boring. It has been 25 yrs since I left and I cannot remember much about those speeches except they bored the living crap outta me.

Pickles, huh? That's gotta be the stupidest, most ridiculous thing I have read in a long time.

What a kiss ass nutjob. Isn't this guy the same one who was on TV a while back lying his ass off about the Mormon Church, trying to make it look like a decent organization instead of the mind-controlling cult it is??

Another awesome post!!

 
At Tuesday, April 03, 2007 10:04:00 PM, Blogger Ray said...

Yea I agree, Bonnie. Conference is boring and I've always thought so too.

Had the missionaries knock on my door a few days ago. They asked if we had ever heard of them before (why do they ask that every single time when they all know everyone in Utah has heard of them?) and immediately started asking for referrals. Of course, I didn't give them any. Nice guys... but definitely ignorant.

I hate pickles! Always have. They are the most foulest tasting things... My sister, on the other hand, loves them to death. She can't get enough of them on a sandwich or a hamburger. One of these days I am going to cook her a pickle pizza.

 
At Wednesday, April 04, 2007 6:35:00 AM, Blogger Elder Joseph said...

I've attended the last 3 conferences as an investigator . They were as everyone knows , Boring , mindless and full of utter nonsense , because no one really has anything new to say .It's the same old recylcled stuff. It seems that God and Jesus have not contacted any of them for many years now, except perhaps to remind everyone about tithing .

I realise I'm just an investigator and perhaps don't feel as qualified as you guys on here to be so critical , but these are my feelings , and I feel duped .If it hadn't been for the internet I may have joined .

There is a good seminar on Google Video by Steven Hassan on mind control by religious cults. He was in the Moonies for 2 1/2 years as a youth .

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5351483270625598640&q=steven+hassan&hl=en

Although perhaps Mormonism isn't quite an extreme mind control cult , there are similarities , especially with Information control and peer pressure .

Elder Joseph

 
At Wednesday, April 11, 2007 1:57:00 PM, Blogger Ray said...

I was trying to listen to the mp3 of the talk and only got five minutes into it before I was falling asleep. This is just a new way to say the same thing they've been saying for years.

Cool video, EJ. Thanks for sharing.

 
At Friday, April 13, 2007 12:20:00 PM, Blogger Kent said...

Perfect Satire about Bednar's pickle talk from this week's SLC City Weekly


From City Weekly 4-11-2007
DeeP End • April 12, 2007
Sacred Pickling
Baptism by brine produces more perfect saints.

by D.P. Sorensen
“Just as a cucumber is transformed into a pickle as it is immersed in and saturated with salt brine, so you and I are born again as we are absorbed by and in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.” —David A. Bednar, Quorum of the Twelve, in March 31 speech at 177th General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, quoted in The Salt Lake Tribune, Sunday, April 1.

In the wake of Apostle Bednar’s speech in General Conference, thousands of faithful Mormons have been trying to turn themselves into pickles. Supermarkets and food specialty shops have experienced a record-breaking run on salt brine. Dan’s sold out within hours of Apostle Bednar’s call to the faithful to get themselves pickled, store officials say. Smith’s Food & Drug and Albertsons also report long lines of customers at the checkout counter clutching cans of salt brine and, in some cases, dousing themselves with salt brine while in line.

During the last 10 days, local emergency rooms have experienced the influx of patients presenting unusual symptoms: green skin, an acrid body odor and an uncontrollable compulsion to insert themselves in between two all-beef patties on a sesame-seed bun.

According to noted religious scholar Dr. Morris Hatalsky of the Panguitch Theological Seminary, the Mormon Great Pickling is reminiscent of fundamentalist Great Awakenings in the 19th century and mass come-to-Jesus conversions in the 20th century.

“Such insane mob behavior is usually inspired by a powerful charismatic figure such as Sister Aimee Semple McPherson or Billy Sunday or even Billy Graham,” said Dr. Hatalsky in a phone interview. “I happened to see Apostle Bednar’s pickle sermon on KSL last week, and let me say Apostle Bednar is no Billy Graham. The Saints have always been obedient, but I think they are following Apostle Bednar’s call to become a pickle because they know he will be the Prophet, Seer and Revelator in 50 years or so. I think in years to come, he will be known around the world as the Pickled Prophet.”

Church spokesman Mike Otterson tried to downplay the pickle incident by claiming that Apostle Bednar, an incorrigible practical joker, was just playing an April Fool’s gag on the faithful. But the General Authorities, who regularly immerse themselves in salt brine, know otherwise. The theory is that Apostle Bednar may have eaten too many pickles for breakfast (he likes Del Monte Kosher Dills) and the normally dormant alcohol from the fermentation process may have wafted its way from his stomach to his medulla oblongata and thence to his cingulate gyrus, the area of the brain that controls the keeping of secrets.

Until Apostle Bednar let the cat out of the bag—or, shall we say, the pickle out of the brine—Sacred Pickling has been the church’s best-kept secret, surpassing even such secret doctrines as the Second Anointing and the Sure Sign of the Nail. Historians trace Sacred Pickling to the Prophet Joseph Smith’s studies in alchemy, the Hermetic tradition and the transmuting of base metals to gold.

One night while Joseph was attempting to turn his lead pencil into a gold-leaf Parker T-Ball Jotter, his wife Emma accidentally (some say it was intentional) spilled some salt brine onto his cucumber, which was immediately transformed into a firm and succulent pickle. From that time on, the humble pickle became a powerful totem for Joseph and his inner circle. (Some overly technical anthropologists say the pickle actually functioned as a fetish, since every high church authority always carried a pickle in his pocket.)

The early apostles soon immersed themselves at every opportunity in salt brine, a practice that became known as Baptizing Your Pickle. The preferred fermentation process, using low salinity and temperatures, produced the pickling microorganism known as preservatus eternalis. Not every apostle achieved the same level of perfection, owing to his resulting pH factor, and a hierarchy was soon established according to whether the apostle smelled of kimchi, sauerkraut, onions, bread-and-butter pickles, gherkins or sweet relish.

Brigham Young was an enthusiastic proponent of Sacred Pickling; in fact, he led the Saints to the Great Salt Lake because the reputed salinity of the lake, serving as a giant baptismal font, would speed the pickling of the Saints to a considerable degree.

As it turned out, the lake wasn’t quite salty enough; nevertheless, Brigham was often greeted by his wives with the question, “Are you glad to see me, or is that a pickle in your pocket?”


Salt Lake City Weekly and slweekly.com ©1996-2007 Copperfield Publishing, Inc.. All rights reserved.
offices: 248 S. Main Street • Salt Lake City, Utah 84101 • 801-575-7003

 
At Sunday, April 22, 2007 7:10:00 PM, Blogger Ray said...

I forgot that I had bookmarked a video of a girl who is deathly afraid of pickles. This is good!

 
At Sunday, February 17, 2013 7:51:00 PM, Blogger swordofomens said...

This post is devoid of and factual evidence and of any truth. Every point made is speculation upon unfounded and ill-formulated opinions. This blog parades a some kind of beacon for truth when in reality it is slanderous an malicious attack from one who has likely been offended. "Ye shall know them by their fruits." The following link is proof substantiating evidence and fact that the organization you libel against is good. Read this, I would love to hear your incoherent rebuttal. I am grateful that the atonement encompasses the malice I feel as well as your buffoonery. http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/mormon-volunteerism-report
The truth is that you have not tested the doctrine with any kind of intent much less a pure one. I hope that someday the holy spirit of the Lord pierces to the very core of who, to the most absolute recesses of you intelligence and the bright light of clarity is shone into that dim hole in your head and heart, that it testifies so powerfully to you of the truthfulness of the doctrine you attack and your capacity for honesty, integrity, and love are increased.

 

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