Mormon Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley's Testimony And What He Expects His Members To Actually Believe And Accept!!
Look into my eyes and repeat after me:
I know the Church is true.
I know that Joseph Smith is and was a Prophet of God.
I know that Gordon B. Hinckley, yeah me, is a Prophet of God.
Please sing "we thank thee O God for me...er..I mean a Prophet, in these latter days.
I know that the Book of Mormon is the most correct book on earth and was translated by the power of God, through Joseph Smith.
I love my Bishop and sustain all my leaders, no questions asked, or I will be excommunicated.
I know that when the GA's speak, the thinking is done.
I know that some truths are not important.
I know that we still believe and teach, that God was once a man and lived on an earth just like us, all the way back to Joseph Smith; but I'm going to lie about it and pretend it isn't true and you will all support me in that lie, because I can't lead you astray. God would remove me if I tried to do that. Lying for the Lord is fine, so get over it!!
I know that we really aren't just an alternative religion, but I'm going to tell the world that we are, just to get more converts and tithing money.
I know that women wearing 2 earrings is wrong and of the devil and his angels.
I know that tattoos are pure evil.
I know that Brigham Young once saw Bigfoot and identified him as Cain. He was as tall as Brigham was, and Brigham was sitting on his horse.
I know that Cain...Bigfoot, stunk really bad, was really sad and covered in hair and couldn't get any babes.
I know that if given a choice of giving me...I mean Christ's Church, tithing money or feeding your family, you should always pay your tithing.
I know that all Apostates, Ex-Mormons and Anti-Mormons, are surrounded by darkness and that they punch a time clock for Satan now, and that they are DISEASE GERMS and most importantly, Sons of Perdition in embryo.
I know that Satan has great, amazing, incredible power, and can appear as an angel of light and will seek to rob you of your testimony that Joseph Smith was a Prophet and that the Mormon Church is the only true and living Church in the galaxy.
I know that Joseph Smith was commanded of God to be a polygamist and marry girls and virgins, as young as 14 years old, in exchange for eternal life for their entire family.
I know that if Joseph Smith had not become a polygamist, he would have been slain by a homicidal angel, sent from God, with a flaming sword.
I know that despite the first vision, Joseph Smith prayed in 1823 to know if there was such a thing as a divine being...but so what?!!
I know that Joseph Smith was involved in a dirty, nasty, filthy affair with Fanny Alger, their maid, behind Emma's back, as witnessed to by Oliver Cowdery.
I also know that Oliver Cowdery deserved to be excommunicated for revealing that dirty, nasty, filthy affair, because after all, it was inspired of God and enforced by said angel who was ready to kill if Joseph didn't do it.
I know that Zelph was a great, WHITE, Lamanite warrior and fought very valiantly right up to his death.
I know that the Jaredites came across the ocean in wooden submarines, that were filled with animals and their feces, in a journey that took almost a year. What faith they had...wow!!
I know that despite not one shred of archaeological evidence in or around the Hill Cumorah or anywhere else, that millions of people died there, exactly in that spot, in great and horrific battles. It brings tears to my eyes, it really does.
I know that overcoming pornography addiction is far worse and harder to do, than overcoming drug addiction to things like cocaine and any other hard drugs. Just ask that dude that sent us a letter from prison....yeah, he told us straight up that he'd rather be addicted to drugs than that Playboy.
I also know that Marriotts have both booze and porno in their hotels, but hey, it's just a business decision, not a moral one and besides, the tithing money is awesome and very plentiful.
I know that faith is all that is required and seeking signs or actual evidence of anything to do with the so called Lamanites or Book of Mormons peoples, is from Satan, who has such amazing, incredible power to deceive the world. He really is amazing that Satan...damn...I mean dang.
I know the Church is true...oh wait, I already said that.......say it again everybody...again....again!!
I know that we worship Joseph Smith, because he was the greatest man that ever lived on the planet earth, including Jesus Christ, because Joseph said so himself.
I know that Joseph Smith translated the book of Mormon by sticking his head in a hat, and reading words and phrases off of a seer stone, that he found in a ladies well, while digging with his brother Hyrum. It was impossible to make any errors, therefore it is perfect, because it wouldn't let him continue, until all mistakes were corrected. Grammar, punctuation and any other words that needed to be fixed don't count, because the printer made the errors not God or Joseph.
I know that Joseph Smith was a convicted criminal for his fraudulent treasure hunting scams and that he also defrauded all the Saints in a big failed bank scam, but that it was all approved of and ordered by God.
I know that Joseph Smith was commanded of God, to call men on missions and then snag....I mean marry their wives, as soon as they were gone, even if they were pregnant. God wanted Joseph to keep them happy and take care of them and so he complied with the orders of God, reluctantly of course.
I know that Joseph Smith was commanded of God to marry sister and mother combinations, in addition to the little teenage girls.
I know that even though the entire foundation of the Mormon Church, was once based on gratuitous sex, pedophilia and polygamy, that God changed his mind at some point and now even dirty thoughts or masturbation will get you into some serious trouble. Please, if anyone out there has dirty thoughts, or is masturbating, please go talk to your Bishop and begin that long road back to righteousness.
I know that masturbation leads to the sin of gross homosexuality and perversion and is very very dangerous.
I know that even though we preach against all forms of alcohol consumption, we want a vibrant downtown nightlife and have no problem allowing it to flow freely and be served in our billion dollar malls. Again, just a business decision that has nothing to do with morality and besides, we sold the individual pieces of land within our mall, to the restaurants, so it isn't us selling the alcohol at all. Alcohol is pure evil and destroys families and we'd never be a part of that, especially right across the street from temple square.
I know that pornography addiction is worse than cocaine, Heroine, or any hardcore drug addiction....wait...I already said that, sorry!! I'm getting older and sometimes I don't remember things very well.
I know that despite being against pornography, we profit from it every single day, through our investments with Direct TV and Comcast, and as I mentioned above, all of the tithing we accept from Willard J. Marriott, who profits millions every year on hard-core porno. I know that it's all up to God and that this is his call, not ours. We just obey God's command!!
I know that we are against gambling in any form, even though we have a Stake President who owns a casino in Nevada and Senator Harry Reid, was once the head of the Nevada gaming commission. These people need to make a living, right?
I know that despite our very strong public stance against alcohol and tobacco, privately, we are proudly invested in the companies that make and sell these evil products, because this is the Lord's Church and he commands it. It's okay to profit from the sales of such evil things, just don't partake of them, because they are of the devil and will destroy your lives. Well, don't partake of them if you are a member....non-members can drink and smoke all they want, at least until they are converted, because we need the cash and they are God's investments, not ours.
I know that Jesus commanded us to spend 1.5 billion dollars on shopping malls.
I also know that in recent years, in addition to our new shopping malls, God/Jesus/Adam or whoever is up there in the big sky, through my burning bosom, has commanded us to buy or build the following things: a $500 million + conference center, a $30 million luxury resort in Hawaii, over 600 more acres of land in Laie to build a large housing development, a cattle ranch in Nebraska, gaming preserves, an office building in Ogden, more development of downtown Salt Lake, in addition to the billion dollar malls, reconstruction of downtown Mesa, Arizona, and many other things that the Lord will not allow me to mention at this time. They "Ought not to be revealed at the present time." Also, If the world can find out these other things, so let it be. They will be given in the own due time of the Lord-AMEN!!
I know that Brigham Young, ordered the slaughter of the innocent men, women and children at the Mountain Meadows Massacre, under the direct order of God, but God also asked him to lie about it and pretend that he had nothing to do with it, along with all future Mormon Hierarchy, since we all know the real truth. If you have issues with it, ask God, it's his fault and we just did what he commanded us to do.
I also know that when Brigham Young personally went to the place where the massacre took place, that he tore down the monument that the US Government had built, as a tribute to the innocent lives that had been taken, in such a horrific manner. Again, he just did what God commanded, because he was a Prophet of God and had to be exactly obedient.
I know that blacks were forbidden to have the Priesthood until 1978, since they are the seed of Cain, but I just can't figure out where all of this racism comes from as I stated in the last Priesthood session. It shocks me and saddens me, that people have a problem with God and his commandments and teachings, especially the "death on the spot" teaching. If you really have a problem with it, then your problem is with God, not us in the Hierarchy, because we only do and say exactly what God commands us to do.
I know that interracial marriage is awful and forbidden by God, unless you are an exception, which can only include Mormon General Authorities, because we have that direct pipeline to God and he has given us permission to marry people of other colors, but not you guys.
I know that gay people have a problem and need to be fixed, even though I don't know if they were born that way or not. One of these days, when I'm kicking it with Jesus in that holy holy place, I might ask him about. Then again, I don't really care and we enjoy excommunicating any sexually active homosexual, because we expect them to live a celibate life. After all, that's not much to ask, a lot of people never marry, gay or straight and they live celibate lives, right?
I know that gay marriage is from the Devil himself, the master of all that's evil, Satan, the brother of Jesus Christ and Son of God, who is trying to destroy the concept of family....you know, the whole Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve...yeah, that's right, but ask God if you have an issue with it, as I'm just the messenger.
Finally, I want to thank all the missionaries and their families out there for paying their own way, in order to be treated like crap and live in dumps, while being bullied by their mission Presidents, who take direct orders from God. Keep in mind, that a sick missionary is a worthless missionary and he screws up the whole process and brings it to a halt.
I know and testify in the name of Jesus Christ, that if you live worthy and obey every commandment with exact obedience, you won't be getting sick all the time, despite eating spoiled food, drinking parasite water and taking cold showers using nothing but bug/parasite infested water, with a bucket and a sponge. You need to have more faith, that's all!!
Also, we don't care if you missionaries die or get sick, get attacked, raped, etc, because the work must roll forward and baptisms and tithing dollars is all that matters anyway. It's just a big numbers game and if you die, we'll just plug someone else in. Also, if you get raped, attacked or severely injured on your mission, once you heal up PHYSICALLY, we expect you to finish your mission and so does Jesus. Please don't let Joseph and Jesus down or disappoint them, okay?
Again, if you have an issue with any of this; get down on your knees and ask God about it, because it's his plan, not mine and I'm just obeying him, so that he won't remove me as the Mormon Prophet.
You will be blessed with an inner piece and burning bosom, that will confirm every word I just said as the honest God's truth and you will not argue or question anything that is ever said by one of God's anointed, special witnesses and mouthpieces of Jesus Christ. We are the ultimate truth, the speaking has been done and the cool thing is, we don't even have to say, "thus saith the Lord!!"
Isn't it wonderful....just wonderful?!!
In the name of Joseph....I mean Jesus Christ, AMEN!!
Samuel the Utahnite
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